In Retrospect
I feel ashamed at my recent actions towards someone. I feel as if, yes, I have de-evolved into some petty person who holds a grudge even when there isn't a reason to do so. In fact, I'd go so far as to assert that I've become that which I've tried so hard not to: a jealous fiend who can't let go of the past. The situation, as it occurred today, in what would most likely have been a repeat of an incident that happened yesterday, was simple enough, if not innocent and totally within the realm of how decent, civilized people conduct themselves. The girl I referred to in a previous post, probably the last post that had anything meaningful to say if you could call it that, was walking out of a backroom of the library as I was walking towards the restroom. In some sort of animalistic grunt, we both said "Hey" to one another. Big deal, I had to piss, she was walking with a purpose, and there really wasn't any room for discussion. Still, it felt terrible. How had things changed so drastically so quickly?
It struck me earlier that what has occurred is a return to the way things were before. Before the conversations. Before the dates (if that's what they really were, now I have my doubts). Before the downward spiral that engulfed the final few conversations and attempts at conversations. It all fell apart so fast. Now, what I'm left with, even in the face of trying desperately to be the civil one, the diplomatic male who operates in a fashion totally opposite of how most do. Now, I'm back to square one where I get this totally disgusted look from this girl. This totally pissed off look. This look of utter hatred, if I may be so melodramatic.
So what do I do, trying to be the more mature one? Well, I walked right by her today in the very same library without even looking in her direction. She was at the desk talking to her ex-roommate, and I was checking out a book. I knew she was there. She knew I was there. I made eye contact, somewhat, earlier. So, why did I just walk by her without saying a word? I really can't say. I just know that I feel terrible about it. In retrospect, it feels worse than if I'd called her some terrible profanity. Or does it? I don't know. What I do know is that I feel as if I've sunk to a lower level. A level that people like her exist at. Miserable people who will never be happy and are incapable of having any sort of remorse, feelings, or common decency. I wish nothing but the worst for her. In my rage, I say I hate her. Yes, that word that you're told never to say about anyone. Yeah, I hate her with all my being. If I only hate one person, it's her. But, I don't hate her, not in the sense that is conveyed by the previous thoughts. No, I'm better than that. I don't hate her. No, I wish her the best. Sure, go ahead, and try to find someone else. Best of luck to you, babe. You're going to need it.